I originally wanted to title this post "Some Musings on Tokyo", but then realized that I what I wanted to say ended up being far too negative and far away from mere "musings" as to constitute a rant. I will do my very best to stay level-headed throughout this post, but as I am using this particular post as a cathartic medium with which to express discontent and worry that has bothered me since its incidence, I won't give any guarantee.
Some things I won't touch on other than in bullet-points:
- Tokyo was, overall, an average trip and good experience.
- I spent a total of 4 weeks in the city, with no ventures out of it. (From mid-Dec. to mid-Jan.)
- 1 of these weeks was spent in a hotel; the other 3 with friends and connections.
- I went far too early, and stayed far too late (my original plans were to stay until the end of January).
- I am omitting names from this story/rant.
- All mentions of "host mother"/"host family", etc. refer specifically to that held in Tokyo.
My rant begins about three weeks into my stay, when I left a stay with my former host family in Tokyo (who hosted me in the summer of '07 for 6 weeks) of about 2 & 1/2 weeks for 5 days with a friend, and then a move to a hotel.
After a slight altercation over packing with the host mother on my last day with them, which I tossed up to a miss-communication (and still do), I waited two days for cooler heads to prevail on both ends in order to send a thank-you e-mail.
In response, I received what is unquestionably the most rude and hurtful mail I've received from anyone at any time in my life. I was personally insulted, my education and study acumen challenged (specifically, I was said "to not look to be studying in school"), told I was an absolutely horrible person, and that I had no hope for the future.
What really got to me though, was the reason, or rather, the lack of such. No reasons were provided for this incredible exercise in anger, venting, or whatever else you want to call it.
So I sent an e-mail back, asking what in the world provoked this all. Even though I had received a warning in the previous mail that ("I won't read anything you send me") I... luckily(?) received a response back. Citing that the reasons were too numerous to name, she (I only interacted with the host mother, and know only her opinion throughout this; I do not know if the other family members differ or confer) cited two: 1) The way I spent my money. 2) The fact that I slept in.
Let me touch on these two before my true rant begins:
1) She did not see me spend my money; and when I did, I spent it sparingly (even though to my bank it would seem far the opposite). I bought a total of 5 things during my stay in Tokyo, all of which are multiple use items, and totaled up to ~$150 total.
Those five things:
- A new pair of noise-canceling headphones, after both my regular pair and backup pair broke, and warranties were far past due.
- A business card case from the Square-Enix store. To store both my massing collection, for future use, and to have a souvenir I could only get from Tokyo.
- A game for Nintendo DS. As it was used, and only sold in Japan, with no plans for translation or release; I decided it would be my own personal "Japan" souvenir.
- An issue of manga. Both used, and from 1986, I wasn't going to find this anywhere else (and as I originally gave the very issue to a friend back in the States, I wasn't going to re-nig on a gift I bought). Oh, and it was $2.
- A hat & pair of shoes (both on sale, both replacing old and broken merchandise, sadly).
Now, why, would you say, she never saw me spend my money? Because they insisted (to my, probably obligatory, knowing what little I do of this culture, objections to the contrary) on me not paying for meals whenever we went out for them; nor did they ever accompany me on my adventures around Tokyo (as I never insisted they do so).
The rest of my money? It went to food, lodging, admission (to both attractions and theme parks). The first two? Not so expensive. The latter? Yeah, that broke me.
2) In any case, the second issue was real; and I apologized profusely for it in my second reply. There was one kicker to all of this though: I was never told it was becoming a problem. Yes, I understand I should have realized this sooner, and should have thought more of my situation. What gets to me though is that it was not told to me. I was never told "hey, would you please not do that?" at any occasion, at any time.
To my personal credit/personal argument (once again, please remember the one-sided rant nature of this post), I never:
- Asked them to do something for me.
- Borrowed anything from them.
- Complained of anything (as there was nothing to complain about).
- Argued.
What I did do:
- Did what was asked of me. (For example: was asked to vacuum the floors; and did so after a struggle with the power switch).
- Cleaned my living area.
- Asked if it was alright to use something (such as the shower, internet, etc.).
- Thanked profusely for anything at all.
On those things I assumed I was being a good house guest; and gave some souvenirs from Tennessee (while chintzy, they were rather emblematic of the state), to an understandably cold reception (hey, cheap souvenirs won't please everyone).
Those were the two reasons that were given to me; far, far, after the fact. I commented in my second reply that if any of that was told to me during my stay, I most certainly would have changed it (just as I do in whatever situation I'm in). Perhaps it is a cultural difference in not saying what you think vs. always doing so, but the one thing I personally could not forgive of that situation was that they never told me.
I suppose I should ask you, readers: is my perception of reality here off? If someone was doing something so offensive to you (in this case, sleeping in), would you not tell them of the issue? Or would you let the issue lie, hoping that they would notice their wrongdoings themselves? Or is this a true cut-and-dried cultural difference?
So, the rest of my rant (mostly regarding the host mother, except where noted otherwise):
- I absolutely despise the general Japanese view that the American army is an "evil" entity. Both my uncles (R.I.P. G.), and my grandfather were in the service; and I respect them greatly for it. I was forced into a conversation with my host family's entire... family (their son, his wife, their children) to where they asked my opinion of the American military. After telling them my family's story, they asked me "but you would never join, right? Don't you think they're bad?" At first, I was stunned. Then stammered out my answers ("I don't want to, but if I have to, I will"/"No, not really") as politely as I could. I cannot in my right mind accept that a country with one of the most advanced militaries in the world could enforce such a nigh-on boneheaded view among their populace. I am referring, of course, to Japan. The only thing that prevents them from fighting for themselves is the pesky American-written Article 9 of the American-written Japanese Constitution; which prevents all military action except for that made in self-defense. To me, for a Japanese person to say that the American military is an inherently "evil" or "bad" entity is forgetting the entirety of their own 1,000+ years of military struggle both within, without, and entirely unrelated to their country. I admit that American military decisions have been lacking in moral judgment; but to call the very existence of it a bad thing? That just reeks to me of ignorance.
- I was asked (once during my original stay in the summer of '07, to which I didn't really understand the question due to my then-poor Japanese ability) what I thought of the drive-out of the Native Americans from now US-held land. Having not lived for 200 years, nor having a family ever involved in such, I have no opinion other than it was unfortunate the way it occurred. To this, I received a grunt, and a reprimanding of "that was a bad thing you Americans did!" What sparked this, you may ask? An examination on Japanese TV of the South African apartheid situation. Yes, they were slightly similar yet massive infringements on human rights. Yet, I, personally, had nothing to do with either. Neither did my family, nor did anyone I know. That doesn't mean it was right, certainly; but it does mean that I can think nothing more of it than I already do. I wanted to take the chance to remind her (the host mother) of Japan's attempted genocide of the Ainu people around the same time of the Trail of Tears, as well as the current situation with Okinawa and the former Ryukyu Kingdoms (and their peoples). I decided, thankfully, against it.
- How dare she. Yes, how dare she comment on my education to the point that "it doesn't look like you're studying". If I truly wasn't studying; if I were one of the infinite number of party-going, pot-smoking, acid-dropping, sons-and-daughters of millionaires, hippie wannabes at my school, where, oh where would my Japanese be? How would I have bought a ticket to Tokyo, made numerous friends, understood countless conversations (and joined in just as many), and even applied for health insurance by myself? How would I have done that? I wouldn't have, is how. Did she listen to me in my discussion about what I'm studying (Economics)? Nah. Did we ever talk about Economics? Nah. Who would want to, anyway? It irks me to no end at all for someone to say that I am not studying when I regularly talk to people considered some of the brightest in their class, to where they've skipped a weeks worth of them, or spent the last night drinking their brain away even though it was a Tuesday. It irks me to no end that the wife of your son told me that he "did not study at all" with a giggle; and yet you accuse me of learning nothing. I challenge you, former host mother, to summon the courage to ask me what exactly I've been studying, and see if you can understand it, in English. Did I mention I study Japanese, and have every intention of mastering it? Because, frankly, Americans aren't the only ones who need to get it together and truly learn two languages, if you get my drift.
So there ends my complaints.
And, truly, I believe the host family to be good people. I honestly think they are.
What I found through all of this, though:
- I cannot, in the end, get along with all people; no matter how hard I try. (Yes, I am realizing a fact that most realize when they are in diapers when I am 21; so be it).
- Ignorance (or at least my perception of such) still exists in the world, to a very large degree.
- People despise change (I will freely admit to suffering of this from time to time).
- The Law of Equal Exchanges does not apply at all in a social context. In this regard, the effort you put into maintaining and nurturing a friendship (as seen in some of my Tokyo-based friends) does not give you an equal return and effect; and at times, lesser effort gives you a greater effect.
- Through all this, I will only seek to become a better person, and better at what I do.
- I do not need to prove what I am to those who will not accept or try to understand; merely that I am, and always will be more than they can be. (In other words: I will not attempt to match ignorance with ignorance, only a facsimile of caring.)
- I worry far too much.
- The one time I get a rude letter has affected me more than 15 years of my life alone.
And this has been my rant.
Tokyo pictures and video to come later, after I'm done calming down from this.
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